hey angel,

today the date is friday, june 28th, 2024, one week after your 18th birthday. you won't see this email for a long, long time. upon reading, it should be the 17th of january. i don't know where you are, what's happened in your life since we stopped talking, or if you've found someone new - i picked this date because it's the day that stuff starts opening up for january admits to babson, if u end up going there. i hope and i pray that this email reaches you.

we broke up on the 5th of may, 2024, so it's been a week from our two-month breakup anniversary. haha. in the past month, i've changed. become more of myself again i guess. the first three weeks after we broke up, i was happy. happy that it was over, happy with the way we parted. i held the clothes you washed before returning to me with affection, as it still held ur smell :). i wrote a note on the 7th, attached below. i love you. i watched a movie called "dazed and confused," which was a cool slice of life movie about the last day of high school in 1976. it was something we would've watched together. i missed you so much. i thought it was like the boyhood equivalent of virgin suicides - polar opposites, just like us :)

but as the honeymoon phase of our breakup ended, i started to become angry. i resented you for everything that we had fought over the past year. all of the little conflicts, and the big ones as well. our conflicts about our faith, dr t, everything. my week-long rush of emotion is almost over now, so now all of my thoughts are slipping away. i'm trying to preserve as best as i can for you. ur the only person who id ever write like this for. during the 2 or so weeks after graduation that i felt like that, i literally would wake up angry and seething about things that had gone down while we were together. i was mad at the way u handled our arguments, with anger and harsh words which i couldnt find an appropriate response to. i thought back to the time u talked about what u were looking forward to after our breakup, with ur spiritual journey and the realization of ur own guilt and selfishness. i was mad that while u admitted ur own selfishness, u didn't say sorry for the way that behavior hurt me. how i never felt loved enough in the last six months of our relationship. they were tough times for the both of us.

while the emotion of that phase wound down in the days leading to ur birthday, i also started to look back. i listened to music that i hadn't listened to in a long time. everything you used to play me in the truck. in this empty, lonely, summer so far i have spent it all pacing my room and reminiscing, reflecting. on the eve of june 21st, 8 days ago, i dreamt of you. nothing strange, nothing weird. i woke up, and i immediately texted u and u responded and we met up - all in flashing, staccato scenes which vaguely communicated to me the wishes of my subconscious. in the morn of that day, i didn't text you. i didn't wanna seem like a fan haha. but in the evening, i gave in, and i shot my shot --- and nothing. the next day, i burned the cds for the radiohead playlist u sent me while we were preparing for our breakup. then i texted u again, more candidly, but still trying to keep it lighthearted. waves of anxiety started to crash over me in the night, and through the idle days you remained on my mind. i fell into a rut of waking up at noon, barely eating, riding around town on my motorcycle that had no plates, no insurance, no nothing to ward off my love for you.

it's been a lonely summer. this weekend, as i write this, none of my friends are home here in virginia. i considered that maybe it was my loneliness that made me miss you. but it couldn't be. even when i tried to distract myself u sat in the back of my mind, waiting for me, to capture me when i found myself with my thoughts again. it wasn't that i was lonely, i just didn't have anybody to distract me from you. sunday passed with anxiety, as i maintained hopes that you would respond to me, even to reject the date which i thought we would both be excited to go out for (say yes to heaven playing rn in the background as i write). late monday night, i reached a peak of anxiety, kind of like back in january when my heart broke. in my daydreams, i considered every path i could take to get anything from you. begging you even, in a text. in the night i found myself restless, and i drove out at midnight to find some distraction in busywork or food, after an hour or standing on the porch in the dead of night. as i rolled up on the just-closed mcdonalds on the edge of falls church city, i parked and lit myself a cigarette, lana playing, from that pack you bought from pratik for $50 so long ago. haha. i think im hooked. im so sorry i know you told me not to smoke any but i thought you would get them from me on the gun date, and i was so sad that didn't happen. i parked at the 7/11 and finished the cig, stumbling into the store from the dizziness i got because im still so new to smoking. the rush of the nicotine sat in my throat so sweet. i bought myself gum and went home. but i couldn't sleep for another 3 hours, in the early hours of the morning.

as the past week continued, i kept losing out on sleep. the days just dragged on and on with no end. kind of like taxi driver. i rode my motorcycle in the blazing hot sunset hours listening to the lana u showed me. the feeling was so beautiful and painful at the same time. i reread our arguments from our last days. getting frustrated just as i had then but i couldn't help but smile because i missed you so damn bad. u could do no wrong to me in this last week. i was dying to get a gasp of ur presence. u had me hooked too baby. i looked at ur insta pages once or twice, staring at ur life without me. ive already forgot the details of what i thought, but in those crazed days i was so in love. so so in love. that monday i would have done anything for u. anything. i wouldve done anything to talk to u one last time. (pretty when you cry is playing rn - i can never hear this song and not think of valentin's dream LOL). i missed you so bad.

everything was forgiven, i thought maybe, i just needed the time to rid myself of the resentment i had gained for u after all the struggles we experienced as boyfriend and girlfriend. i would do anything for you holly. anything. i swear to god. i considered what happened with our baby. what we both did. i didn't forget, even though i dealt with it different than you. i revisited everything we went through, and i cried when i considered the violence that i had inflicted on ur poor body and soul. i am sorry holly. i can never say it enough for how i hurt an angel. i don't know where this affection for you came back from. but i don't think it's ever going to go away. u are always welcome in my heart angel. i love you so much it brings me to tears. i wish i had handled our problems differently. i understand if u don't forgive me for how i behaved. it is more than understandable. i wish we had worked out. i want to fix everything but it's too late. like i told u on our last day, i will always love you, at least a little bit. but i think i underestimated. its a whole lot.

i don't think i did the emotion i feel for you justice baby. i couldnt even do justice for you when we were together. i am sorry. i wish i loved you better, didn't give into my resentment. we both did, but i can never forgive myself for hurting you. you deserve so much good and i believe you are such a great person.

i believe that this love for u came back to me now after we broke up because we were always so out of phase while we were dating. do you remember? in january for me, and then for you when we broke up. we did love each other, but completely out of time. i miss you and i love you.

i wish i had been able to tell you all of these feelings in real life. i love you angel. there's no other way to say it. i don't know why it resurfaced like this out of nowhere.

tomorrow i leave for newark, new jersey. the state you dreamt of living in as a kid cuz of the fun u had with ur dad. im flying out to japan from there for a couple weeks. maybe ill be a different man when im back. ready for college.

by the time you read this, the holly who i loved is too far gone, along with the summertime depression anaya which wrote this email and the person you knew in high school. im probably sitting in my dorm high up in the towers in columbus, ohio, and u are headed or already are in some faraway place. far from me. i love you angel. please don't ever forget how i loved you. i won't ever forget you. you are so unique and perfect and crazy beautiful. i know you are gonna be a successful and great person. u left an everlasting mark on me as a person. i love you so, so fucking much. i am stupid for losing you, and i am so sorry i hurt you like i did.


you don't have to respond to this email. but i hope and pray it reaches you and you appreciate the emotions i've expressed to you here. i hope and pray that this reaches you. i hope you still use this account. i pray for ur wellbeing and prosperity my darling. if you never want to talk to me again. consider this my final goodbye to you holly kim.


i love you.

- ak

ps. i found this song after we broke up. its cute it makes me think of you.